Once upon a time, I took pride in the discipline and willpower I meticulously constructed. I felt proud that I could rise at 5 a.m. to work out before school. I drank black coffee and ate hard-boiled eggs, watching with disregard as others enjoyed pumpkin spice lattes in the fall and buttery scrambled eggs on toast for brunch. I made my bed the same way each morning: with the pillows lined across the middle and my teddy bear’s arms neatly folded across his lap. I paced the cold bathroom floor exactly twenty times while I brushed my teeth. I completed assignments two weeks before they were due and studied three hours for a thirty-point quiz. I found comfort in my discipline because it was my identity: the girl with a small body, and eventually, a small life.
For years, I believed that as I got older, my self-control would only grow. I thought that once I had full autonomy over my life, I could restrain myself further: wake up earlier, work out longer, eat less chocolate, and more chicken breast. After all, I knew who I was—not a party animal nor a top-of-the-class student, but, if anything, an individual who could force herself into any box, no matter how many bones she might have to break to do so.
Turns out, growing up is not the time to cling desperately to old identities in fear. Rather, it is the time to shed old blankets of safety and step into the frigid air of what some call “finding yourself.” The habits I labored to build and repeatedly failed to relinquish seemed to magically lift from my shoulders once I finally realized that a life of discipline should not equate to a life of hardness.
At times, I miss the comments I used to receive about my willpower. Now, though, I use these opportunities to redefine what discipline means. I remind people that the person I once demanded myself to be never received any sort of consolation prize. No matter how much of yourself you give away to reach a goal, you will never feel smart enough, or successful enough, or loved enough. At the end of the day, you just never feel… enough.
The only way to truly reap the benefits of discipline is to practice it out of a place of self-love, instead of self-loathing. Discipline means doing things even when you don’t want to. While it can apply to areas like exercise or studying, it also means being gentle with yourself when you feel compelled to be rigid. For me, discipline sometimes means closing my laptop at the end of the night when everyone else is still up working. Sometimes, it means taking an extra rest day when I planned to go to the gym. Discipline even means sitting quietly and listening to a friend when I have a hundred things I want to say in response.
The practice of self-control is one to cultivate your peace and reach your goals, not one to cultivate superiority. Today, I realize that watching a movie and eating a bowl of ice cream does not make me any worse than a friend who is studying in the library. At the same time, I know when it is better for me to stay in on a Saturday night while everyone else is going out. Discipline is all about getting to know yourself and your needs, standing your ground against the obstacles in your way from leading a happy and healthy life.
Happy Living
“Balancing is self discipline precisely because the act of giving something up is painful” -M. Scott Peck
chocolate and politics 