A LETTER TO MY SELF

I love writing. Sitting now, applying to various jobs and positions in order to keep my passion alive, I continue listing my occupation as writer. As of now, I am still in the process of finding myself, and in conjunction, the specific category of writer I would like to place my title under. At eighteen years old, I am not a journalist. I am also not a screenplay writer or a novelist or a poet. I am just a writer.

I started writing the minute I learned to hold a pen. First, I wrote big loopy letters, learning to dot my Is and cross my Ts. Then, I moved on to sentences followed by short stories, and now blog posts. Writing became my refuge. In middle school, especially, the blank pages of journals acted as a friend willing to listen without judgement. I remember never quite knowing how to start a journal entry… “Dear Diary” for a while, then giving each journal a name, and finally just dumping words on a page with no apparent structure.

Looking at my journals as a whole, rather than as individual parts, I saw a commonality in the entries I scripted. Slowly, rather than writing to a page or imaginary figure, I realized that I was writing to myself. In fact, it was as if I was silently beginning each entry with “To whom it may concern”. I was not really interested in the way my words read when strung together, instead, I valued the way I received my own words of affirmation (or, at times, degradation).

Recently, I wrote the closing entry to my last high school journal. Thumbing through each month brought me back to specific moments, memories, and people. Many of you reading are a part of my last journal, and hopefully some of you will be a part of my new one. When writing final words, I tend to summarize the year, write goals, and plan for a new start. The issue this year, however, was that I had no clue what to write. How can I write goals for a life I cannot yet imagine? I can’t. For now, I can only wish myself well and, like I have done to so many others, I can write myself a letter to heal and nurture a girl ready to crack open the spine of pages waiting to be filled.

…

Dear Ria,

Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life. Yes, your life. It is an interesting concept to think that for the first time, you have complete control over everything that comes your way. I want you to relax. Take your time. You will attract what is meant for you, and like in the past, even the lowest moments will teach you about yourself and what it will mean to be an individual standing on her own.

I know you are scared, no matter how much you tell yourself you are not. But, I think that is the point. Someone has to pick you up from the comfort of your home and plop you into the world of laundry, finances, and driving every weekend on the interstate. It is exposure therapy, something you learned the benefits of long ago.

Truthfully, I am not too worried about you. If you are still concerned with what you are “going to do with your life”… don’t be. Think about how much has changed in the last month, how much you have learned. Now, think about how much you will learn in an entire year. Luckily, you have had some time to acquire your fair share of life lessons. Remember what you learned and do not make the same mistakes again. Make new ones. Take each day as an opportunity to discover who you are, what you enjoy about life, and who you want in yours.

On another note, I also want to remind you about some of the lessons you still cling to for safety — the kind of lessons that, over time, have become rules. I think you know what I mean. Not every fact you have come to believe about yourself is entirely true, and, even if it is, you are always allowed to change. Smile with your teeth more; you spent a lot of time and money on that perfect smile. Do not let people in too quickly; let them earn your love and energy before giving away your heart. Post the picture; I promise people are not spending more than one second looking at it. Call your friends often; check in on them and feel their voice in your ear. Sometimes, just be in college; eat lukewarm ramen on the couch, learn about football and lose your voice cheering in the stands, take that silly class because it sounds interesting. You better yourself each day so that you can forgive yourself in the moments when you need it most.

In a few weeks, you will just have one fresh notebook to write in. Leaving the other seven behind does not mean you are forgetting the past or losing the person you once were, it means you are lightening the load. You are bright — filled with passion for the right subjects, drive for the right goals, and love for the right people. I hope you find them, wherever they may be hidden.

Good luck, I love you.

With everything I have,

Ria

Happy Living

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” -Seneca